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Horror, Humor, and Heroes is a collection of twelve short stories, one novella, and a preview for my next novel that should contain enough variety to entertain you readers. Sample some of my finest offerings, such as – a guardian wolf fearing the coming of man, a producer willing to do anything to bring the first pay per view live werewolf hunt to the world, a zombie running for congress, a vampire trying to get his life insurance company to pay up, a six year old girl, who makes a cookie people will do anything for, the story of the first child born on the Moon, or a draftee in a war against science gone awry. This collection includes the novella, Confessions of a D-List Supervillain. It is one of my favorite endeavors and anyone who has ever cracked open a comic book will appreciate this story about a down on his luck bad guy forced into the reluctant role of world savior. Also inside is a preview of my forthcoming series Battle Maidens.
Fast, Funny, and Fun
This is an excellent collection. I would say that I am not a huge reader of the horror genre, but none of the stories are what I consider to be truly “dark”. That being said, this isn’t a book for children. There are quite a few surprises, and Jim’s humor is out in force. Personal faves are “Charlie Horse”, “The Rally”, and “Confessions”. “Adventurer’s Beware” alone is worth the price of the book. Give it a try, you shouldn’t be disappointed.
– J. Spurk “book hammer”, Amazon.com
(4 votes, average: 6.75 out of 10)
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When it comes to bad news, we’ve never had it so good.
Laurence Shorter is feeling anxious. Every time he opens a newspaper or turns on the radio he finds another reason to be tearful. It’s time to make a change. It’s time to be optimistic!
His plan is simple:
1. Learn how to jump out of bed in the morning.
2. Secure personal happiness.
3. Save the world.
The Optimist charts Shorter’s ambitious, year-long, international quest to seek out the world’s most positive thinkers, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Jung Chang, Matthieu Ricard, California’s renowned Surfing Rabbi, and Bill Clinton. But optimism doesn’t come easy, and Shorter’s resolve is tested at every corner: by a flagging career, a troubled love affair, and his ever-pessimistic dad.
The Optimist is a hilarious and ultimately life-affirming stand against the grind of everyday strife, packed with reasons to be cheerful.
About the Author
Laurence Shorter is a stand-up comedian and writer. He has been writing and performing since 2001, when he was selected for the Old Vic Theatre’s noted “New Voices” programme. He and his work have appeared on the BBC, in The Observer and The Independent, and at the Edinburgh Festival and assorted London theatres.
(3 votes, average: 8.00 out of 10)
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Immediately following Marla Gershe’s nonexistent coffee break at three in the afternoon, a policeman shot her through the mid-section with one of those newfangled xanthan guns. That simple act changed her life forever. Actually, her life had been changing slowly over the previous few months, but everything came to a head starting at 5:15 a.m. the day she was shot.
“quirky and electric” — Temple Library Reviews
“funny and oddly depressing” — GenreReviews
Sue Lange author website
(2 votes, average: 7.50 out of 10)
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A beautiful and mysterious female passenger, a loony inventor with a basement full of deadly weapons, and a dangerous run-down teleporter built by a long-lost alien civilisation.
Join the incompetent Hal and his long-suffering metal sidekick Clunk for a second serve of interplanetary chaos stuffed with more laughs than a cracker factory and more action than a politician’s expense account.
‘The quirkiest genre satire to hit booksellers since Terry Pratchett’s Discworld’ — The West Australian.
“… a refreshing change from the post-cyberpunk trying-to-be-cool futures we get so often in SF these days. [...]Haynes is a skillful writer, but he never forgets that he is writing to entertain. Descriptive scenes are particularly well done, conjuring just enough detail to keep the reader ‘in the loop,’ but not so much as to bog the story down. In short, Haynes knows what he’s doing.” Guy Salvidge
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Like many older men, Phillip was having trouble remembering numbers and relating names to faces. He wasn’t at all surprised when he couldn’t remember the woman’s name, but, his wife?
Susan made an excellent wife–she loved to cook and to cuddle. Perhaps, Phillip should have married her to begin with. Then she wouldn’t have had to lie.
Lynn, his real wife, had warned Phillip what would happen if she caught him with another woman. When he didn’t come home, she simply changed the locks and tried, unsuccessfully, to forget.
All Phillip’s clothing was brand new, his shirts, his underwear, and he’d never worn boxers in his life. Now, if he could just find his car keys. “I knew what my name was; it was on my driver’s license; but the address, in another town, was years out of date. I didn’t know where I lived or who I lived with, or whether and where I had a job.”
When Phillip goes north to San Francisco looking for himself, Susan, Lynn, and Jennifer, Phillip’s oldest daughter take off in hot pursuit. “We were the worst of traveling companions; we couldn’t even agree on what radio station to listen to. My sister Megan, still angry with our father, wished us well but told me frankly she didn’t care what happened to him.”
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John Fitzgerald McKnight, born into an unsympathetic Catholic family on the day JFK was assassinated, is a highly educated, multi-lingual, classical composer with a charming, sarcastic wit and a love of women. Right after college, he was tagged as “potentially brilliant” when his piano concerto premiered in New York City. Since that time, he has been quite successful in remaining undiscovered and consistently “unbrilliant.” John is left slogging through meaningless jobs in LA trying to figure out how he fits into the world of music, love and contentment.
While working as a temp at a law firm, he meets optimistic Elizabeth, a sexy entertainment attorney climbing the ladder of success. Together they party their way through Hollywood’s booze-drenched television elite, rubbing elbows with the unsavory rich. Elizabeth is a believer in John’s talents and abilities and enthusiastically puts her foot in his ass to jump-start his career. In a desperate attempt to end his cycle of meaningless, low paying jobs, John asks Elizabeth for an introduction to the world of television music. Although John knows it is beneath his talents to work in this arena, he dives in, only to be bitch slapped by the all-knowing producers. Burnt bridge after burnt bridge leaves John and Elizabeth’s relationship at an impasse. John believes she’s the girl of his dreams, but can’t stop himself from ruining everything and driving Elizabeth away.
John handles this by doing what any decent, insecure, melodramatic artist would do. He stays in his Van Nuys apartment for a full year without ever leaving. He becomes a modern day Robinson Crusoe surviving by sheer cunning. He runs out of money, sells off his prized possessions to the Chinese food delivery guy, discovers a taste for mustard, caper and Cocoa Puff sandwiches, shaves his balls and listens to the music that has made him who he is. But not all is wasted. Wisely, John spends this quality alone time in a vodka soup pot cloud, contemplating string theory, early childhood traumas, and the smell of old lady piano teachers. A lifelong oath to never whore out his musical talents ends when he plays piano for the elderly woman next door – for pizza.
John barely hangs on but after a very sexy, romantic dinner with a pair of Elizabeth’s panties, she inadvertently left behind, he finds his muse again and begins to write. But it ain’t all pansies and poodles. In a moment of desperation, he steals the electricity, telephone and cable tv from his neighbor and a fire subsequently starts in the apartment building. As everyone and everything stands before the grim reaper, John, in his final breaths of smoke clogged air, finally manages to grasp one small part of the puzzle called “life.”
Brilliant, disturbed, mesmerizing, hilarious, and brutally f**ked up. The entire Hollywood enchilada. What’s a creative soul to do when confronted by the entire freaking weight of the universe, not to mention his own missteps?
This sharp satiric book by Scooter Pietsch is as fresh and compelling as it is dark and kinky. At times I couldn’t believe where this author goes, but I couldn’t put it down. I’m glad it’s available on Kindle.
– Jerrilyn Farmer, Amazon.com
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Tourists is a satire describing the situation created when the CIA wants to build a secret air strip in the bush north of Ottawa. A lobbyist is recruited to get the deal done. The plan is threatened by publicity generated by the Taylor brothers whose land is to be expropriated. The situation is complicated by clandestine meetings held in a van driven on the Rideau Canal during Winterlude.
Hal Henderson made a good living in Ottawa for a while as a private detective. He was known to everyone as “Henny”, short for Henderson. He picked up the nickname in high school.
There were many lawyers who employed Henny’s services to dig up dirt on politicians and sneaky spouses in the nation’s capital. When Henny got greedy, he tempted some of the wrong people into compromising situations, some with drugs, most with girls. He recorded everything. The rich and famous were willing to pay Henny off, but he asked too much. The police charged him after a victim complained about blackmail. It went downhill from there.
–Excerpt
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The Government has sold the country to a supermarket on eBay, only for the Civil Service to buy it back and launch their own benign dictatorship. Ten years on, it is all going horribly wrong. There are Hairshirts on every corner, the incompetent Leader and his transvestite first lady pole dance and the dogs are being systematically eradicated to deflect attention from the ruling Department’s failure to achieve their promises. “Doggone” is a modern fable, a surreal and bizarre satire on a world of spin, greed, excess and the dangers of letting politicians rule unchecked.
It is also very funny.
“Narrative punctuated by Vonnegut-type apercus ‘Doggone’ is an inventive satire that Swift, Pope, et al, would have been happy to have put their name to. A future-set retrospective on a 21st century Britain, contemporary bullshit is taken to excess as the entire country is bought by two civil servants with points on a loyalty card. Vignettes of absurdist dialogues – think Pete’n Dud, Bird and Fortune – detail all too credible nonsense secenarios. And funny, laugh aloud funny. No institution, no region, no nation, no profession, no occupation, (no individual?) is spared at least a scathing aside. Erik himself makes an appearance as a sadistic p.a.: thankfully I don’t rate a mention. Unless I’m that ‘piece of worthless shit’ Smythe. Crazy, funny, and all too plausible; so please don’t show Doggone to that arch-creep Gordon Brown: with no ideas of his own he might well use Doggone as a template.”
- Sam Smith, Author of ‘The End of Science Fiction
“Full of satire, offering no answers but immensely thought-provoking, this book is one of the best I have read in recent years.” “I recommend it with enough confidence – it is full of dark humour and not so fluffy dangers, but it is a brilliant and very genuine book to be re-read more than once.”
- Ekaterina Rodyunina, The BookBag
“Get in the queue now for this book which is likely to become a cult classic…”
- DJ Kirkby, Literary to Sensory
“The style reminds me most of Irvine Walsh at his most intense.”
- Marc Horne, Author of Tokyo Zero
“the political satire and metaphorical nature of this dystopian novel are only two aspects of a greater whole. To carry it off fully one needs wit, guile and skill. And it has to be said, it really is funny (darkly). The dialogue is snappy. The characters may be drawn from a lunatic mind or absurdist figures from film or books. Mel Brooks would make an excellent Leader, for instance. Yes, it is bizarre (think Spike Milligan in Q), and in places deliberately absurd…but the ancient philosophers used a process of argument to make a point, called eductio ad absurdum…and Ryman deploys it very well here. As a dog who loves and is loved daily, Doggone was at times hard to swallow, but any human reader lucky enough to read this novel will not be disappointed. All they should realise is that the author has an ironic tongue firmly planted in his cheek, which is always far more preferable than having it planted in someone else’s.”
- Tom, Andrew McGuinness’ – the author of A Portrait of an Arsonist as a Young Man – Dog
“Rather powerful writer, this guy, Erik Ryman”
- An Obsidian Blade
eBook Free, Paper: £8.99
220 pages
(3 votes, average: 8.67 out of 10)
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A collection of the best 150 posts from the very popular humor blog, Cranelegs Pond. Two years and 800+ posts in the making. But don’t take my word. Here’s what other bloggers are saying about Cranelegs Pond.
“Cranelegs is in top form with his dazzling wit, sensitive insights, and down home humor. He consistently manages to take everyday experiences we can all relate to and turns them into vignettes of hilarity.”
– Pamela Beers, Freelance Writer – www.FreelanceWritingEtc.com
“I adore this blog. If you read anything, read this.”
– Gabriel Gadfly, Blogger – www.gabrielgadfly.com
“… quite a talent for saying a whole lot with few words, and one of the best blogs I’ve seen, just added it to my favorites.”
– Dr. Jay, Blogger – yogaforcynics.blogspot.com
“CRANELEGS POND is a rip roaring romp into a wild land of Manstakes, Mermaids, Andy & Benny, and frozen pork chops.”
– Cathy Perez, Blogger, itsmecissy.blogspot.com
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Go behind the scenes of the daytime television soap opera industry with Boob Tube. Written by Lesleyann Coker (a former reporter for Soap Opera Weekly) and her husband Mark (of Smashwords), the two interviewed dozens of soap opera industry insiders for their stories and then fictionalized everything here.
Jason Christiansen’s actors demanded Xanax and organic tampons. He had one hour to retrieve the items before afternoon production ground to a halt.
As the publicist for Tranquility Bay, daytime television’s number-two rated soap opera, he was accustomed to such requests.
The first panicked call came from Eden Jordan, a popular actress on the show. The 27-year-old was stranded in her dressing room, ill-prepared for the early onset of her period, and too embarrassed to seek help from anyone else. She refused to leave her room until Jason brought her organic tampons from a store on Sunset Boulevard called Herganic.
Scud Hudson, the actor who played Eden’s love interest, was suffering from an agoraphobic panic attack. He wanted Jason to pick up a Xanax refill from the pharmacist
Jason took a deep breath.
– Excerpt
Boob Tube exposes the gritty sleaze of the soap subculture. An insider view of the desperation of underdog actors and actresses as they claw their way up the ladder, hostages to opportunistic producers and agents and their own near-sighted ambition — it portrays a unique slice of the Hollywood bubble.
– Anne Murray
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A few centuries into the future, not much has changed about the basic characteristic of civilization, which is incompetence and boorishness. Wishing to end the world, the angels are left to their own devices by a God more concerned with new prototypes of bigger boobs for the next universe. Ramses, obsessed with hamster love, is selected to be the prophet of doom in a travesty of a selection process and leads humanity after much travail to Heaven. Which, as matters turn out, has been somewhat overrated. And the mysterious intergalactic race of banjo players flees on.
Josef Assad’s novel should be the next Big Thing. Think Chuck Palahniuck meets Thomas Pynchon meets Douglas Adams. And all of it – or so the voices in my head seem to tell me – told in the familiar voice of Monty Python’s. On crack.
To be taken in small doses only – there’s so much stuff going on. And yes, some of the puns are not as funny as the author thinks, but some are outright brilliant.
and footnotes! read the footnotes!
mandaya
(2 votes, average: 9.50 out of 10)
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Psaurian: a novel of semi-intelligent design chronicles the exploits of Deacon Flick, a drunken ex-military telepath. He makes a living in Las Vegas using his telepathic abilities as a casino cheat for the mafia. Deacon is conscripted into a covert organization. The clandestine group uses a menagerie of telepathic beasts to combat an extraterrestrial threat. The cryptids, however, are chaffing at years of human rule.
Deacon is partnered with Mira, a veteran operative on the rebound, to find the Psaurian, a cryptid of legendary power. They embark from the Complex’s base in Nevada for the swamps of the African Congo.
The journey takes Deacon and Mira to the possible origin of humanity. An event birthed at the intersection of conspiracy theory, religious dogma, and Led Zeppelin album art.
Psaurian was written by a former political operative with front line experience in the ongoing battle between science and religion. Political themes are woven with a penchant for unexplained phenomena. There are militant insurgent Sasquatches and aliens who prescribe to a preemptive first strike doctrine. Psaurian revels in the absurdism generated by presidential debate questions on creationism, evolution, and UFOs.
From the author:
“I’m intrigued by influences and inspirations, and the idea that the hip-hop movement has transformed how art and media are mixed and manipulated. I wrote Psaurian as equal parts satire of recent works like the Left Behind series, a pastiche of cultural references from Roswell to Snoop Dogg, and an homage to classic genre efforts by King and Creighton, with plenty of intoxicated silliness.”
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Cinder Torley is an intelligent young woman who yearns to escape the stifling yoke imposed by her small town upbringing and unhappy marriage, but that doesn’t mean she killed her husband. When he goes missing one night, Cinder quickly learns who—and how few—her friends really are in this darkly comic tale of dueling schemers and incompetents.
The sheriff thinks this might be his only ticket out of back-country law enforcement. Coffee house barista Clark Norris knows a sordid, true-crime story could jumpstart his stalled writing career. Glamorous correspondent Bailey Weems sees a ratings bonanza that can make her a cable news star. And as for Velma and Naomi, who may or may not be part of the notorious Manitoba Six Canadian crime ring, they’re only in it for the black market Phen-Fen. The surprising truth about what happened to Cinder’s husband will lay waste to all these agendas, but will it prove Cinder’s innocence.
What a fun read – dark comedy that will remind you of Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiassen and Jennifer Crusie at their best…Read this book and brag to your friends that you’ve discovered the “Next Big Thing” in fiction.
– J. Schisler, on Amazon.com
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“Despite the headlines, actually the NHS has just had its best year ever.” Patricia Hewitt, Secretary of Sate for Health, eulogising to the BBC, 22nd April 2006.
“Despite what the politicians say, things seem to have gone a bit tits-up recently.” Dr Nick Edwards, A&E doctor, ranting to his mates down the pub, 22nd April 2006.
Dr Nick Edwards is an Accident and Emergency (A&E) doctor working in the UK and a passionate believer in the NHS. However the reforms, political correctness and the Anglo-Saxon culture of binge drinking and fighting and the resulting A&E visits are a strain on his sanity. So to keep up his morale, he began writing down his feelings — a form of literary cathartic therapy — the results of which make up this book.
From dealing with cardiac arrests and car accidents, to people with “Arrest Avoidance Syndrome” and others who haven’t quite read the big red sign above their heads as they walk into A&E, In Stitches paints a vivid picture of what it’s really like working at the sharp end of the NHS today. It’s funny, it’s heartbreaking and it’s infuriating. It’s also more informative than any government press release.
So join Dr Nick Edwards as he describes the frustrations and joys of working in the NHS. The traumas and tragedies, the patients and colleagues and most of all the successes and humour that make up life at the frontline of medical care: Accident and Emergency.
Note to reader: ever-conscious of meaningless targets, the author would like it to be known that 98% of the stories contained in this book were written in under 4 hours.
(3 votes, average: 7.67 out of 10)
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At the finale of his critically acclaimed first memoir, In Search of Captain Zero, Allan Weisbecker has found his paradise at the end of the road in outback Central America (Pavones, Costa Rica), and is working of the screen adaptation of the book, commissioned by Sean Penn and a major Hollywood studio. Can’t You Get Along With Anyone? is the story of Weisbecker’s paradise, its underbelly, his fall from grace with the powers that be in Hollywood and the publishing business, plus the near loss of his life due to the writing of the book; he exposes a double murderer and, more dangerously, the love of his life as a sociopath. Interwoven through the various catastrophes that test him on every level, are Weisbecker’s reflections on the process of writing the book itself and the nature of nonfiction. Weathering his after-writing throes, writer’s queasy gut, and hemorrhaging forehead (from staring at the blank page), Weisbecker maintains his sanity and perspective through his wry, sometimes wildly funny take on his own fears and flaws, and through retreat into the purity of the simple act of riding a wave.
“As his sanity, health and existence are simultaneously mangled, Weisbecker somehow manages to solve a murder, wrestle the dark side of paradise, and wind up on multiple third world hit lists… Can’t You Get Along With Anyone? is a necessity for anyone who believes truth is indeed stranger than fiction… an entrancing, thoughtful and darkly humorous calamity.”
–Surfer Magazine
“Can’t You Get Along With Anyone? is a writer’s book about writing. And when I say writer, I mean Writer. I’ve already compared Weisbecker’s writing with Alexandr Solzhenitsyn’s, and now I’m going to compare it to Mark Twain’s. Alexandr Solzhenitsyn is a Writer. Mark Twain is a Writer. And Allan Weisbecker is a Writer.”
–James Maclaren, Ink 19 Magazine
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Hal glanced round at the fugitives, then jerked his thumb at the taller, bronze robot. ‘You can be Clyde, and he can be Albion.’
‘I think that’s Bonnie,’ said the shorter robot, in a deep voice.
Hal looked pleased. ‘I’m glad you like it. My name’s Hal, by the way. Hal Spacejock.’
An incompetent, accident-prone pilot is given one last chance to save his ship. An ageing robot is trusted with a midnight landing in a deserted field. And a desperate businessman is prepared to sacrifice both of them to get what he wants…
Combining relentless action with non-stop laughs, Hal Spacejock explodes onto the science fiction scene with the subtlety of a meteor strike and the hushed reverence of a used car salesman.
If you enjoy TV shows like the Young Ones, Firefly, Blackadder, Red Dwarf and Dr Who, or books by Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt or Jasper Fforde, then the Hal Spacejock series is for you.
(6 votes, average: 9.67 out of 10)
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